Fame Games
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday October 18, 2003
Who cares about the cricket score when you've got a larger-than-life Merv Hughes sitting next to you clutching a cold beer? Daniel Lewis hops on the celebrity tour circuit.
'Fair dinkum," said Merv, "it's a pretty tough job. I can hardly cope with the stress sometimes."
Sitting in the cool shade of the grandstand at Darwin's Marrara Oval, beer in hand, watching the first Test match between Australia and Bangladesh with the rest of the Merv Hughes XI, the big fella was putting in another tough day at the office.
Merv might not have graduated to the commentary box with Richie, but he has turned his post-cricket life into one beautifully hedonistic blur of corporate golf days, beer advertisements, guest speaking at sports nights and pressing the flesh in sponsors' boxes.
There's also the lovely little line of work that has taken him to Darwin: hosting sports tours.
And, boy oh boy, those Bangladeshis promised to make this Top End tour torrid. What was Merv going to do to keep his team entertained when a supposed five-day game would be lucky to last two? "No worries," said the former fast bowler. He knew how to extract some excitement from a steamy Darwin wicket.
By the time a few of us staggered off a fishing boat several days later, we knew Merv was as good as his word.
There were 10 of us on the Darwin outing but Merv's employer, Australian Sports Tours, took more than 200 in four groups earlier this year to witness the Australian team's tour of the West Indies. Mark Waugh and Colin Miller had to be roped in to lend Merv a hand.
About half a dozen other groups also had large organised tours to the Windies. At the budget end - sans celebrities - are outfits like Waving the Flag and The Fanatics. But the big money for fully organised, celebrity-led tours is charged by the likes of AST and Gullivers Sports Travel.
AST has former rugby league internationals Mal Meninga and Paul Harragon leading the Kangaroo tour to Britain next month.
Celebrity-led sports tours are not cheap. The cost of the Darwin tour was $2980 a person, twin-share, which included nine nights' accommodation, all transfers, cricket tickets and trips to Litchfield and Kakadu national parks, but not air fares or most meals.
Three of my nine fellow travellers in Darwin had been on AST tours before and already about 150 people have registered expressions of interest with the company for its 2005 Ashes tour to Britain.
The oldest of our group was Dorothy, 77, a great-grandmother from rural Victoria. She had been on Merv's tour to South Africa last year and the pair shared a relationship not dissimilar to exasperated mum and errant but affectionate son.
"It was wonderful," Dorothy said of the South Africa tour, on which she saw Test matches and game parks. "I enjoyed every minute of it."
The youngest was 22-year-old Karen from rural Queensland. She and her mum Ann were as inseparable from each other on the tour as they were from their respective zoom-lens-loaded camera and video recorder.
Karen went through enough film each day at the cricket to keep Kodak rolling in profits. "She has got albums and albums of cricket photos at home," Ann confirmed.
I had a look at one of her albums she'd brought on tour and, not surprisingly, most snaps were of the photogenic Brett Lee. Karen's record collection also includes the small repertoire of Lee's rock band, Six & Out.
Karen wasn't the only deadset cricket tragic on tour. Gavin, from Bankstown, was a walking edition of Wisden's cricket almanac.
Also a fanatical Bulldogs fan, the 33-year-old public servant never misses a day of the annual Sydney Test, has already been on an Ashes tour, frames the scoresheets of every cricket match he attends and has a mobile phone that beeps with sports updates.
Gavin has plenty of mates, but worked out long ago that organising a holiday with them was "a bloody pain in the arse", so sports tours are perfect for him.
Tony and Jeanette, who farm near Young, were also on Merv's tour. Tony hadn't been to a Test match since 1958 until he and his wife decided to go on AST's South African tour last year.
The Merv factor was not crucial in their initial choice. "We just wanted to do something different," Tony said.
You only have to read former Herald journalist Roland Fishman's controversial book about Australia's 1991 West Indies tour, Calypso Cricket, to know Merv has the ideal CV for a cricket host.
Fishman called the big fella "a genuine character" and the only member of the team who really mixed with the public, particularly when it came to playing drinking games.
"When he's up, he's like a big kid with a hyperactive thyroid gland, constantly making little jokes and sending up his team-mates. He has the ability to make a game of anything - from cards to drinking. On his good days he has a genuine zest for all things in life and appears to be incapable of becoming bored or down."
We first met Merv, now 41, in his apartment the morning after we arrived.
He delivered what seemed a very un-Merv-like lecture on the importance of punctuality, wearing sunscreen and drinking water.
Merv also admitted he knew bugger-all about Bangladesh - couldn't even name one of their players - and opted out of the day trip to Litchfield National Park so he could study up.
Next morning we climbed on the bus bound for Marrara and the first day of the historic
Test. Merv started his daily spiel about what to expect, predicting that if Steve Waugh won the toss he would bat first. Waugh did win the toss, but sent Bangladesh in.
As we took our seats, Merv finally started to show his true colours.
"The important thing," he said, "is that the bar is just down the back. It's not far at all."
As the young and diminutive Bangladeshi side warmed up in front of us, Merv asked: "Is it just me, or have the Bangladeshis sent out their under-12s side?"
But, seated in the grandstand, every member of the Merv Hughes XI was hoping the little guys did well. I figured that if each Bangladeshi batsman could last at least as long as their national anthem they'd avoid humiliation. It's not a short song.
Unfortunately, Merv didn't hang around long. For the next two-and-a-half days of the Test we saw very little of the big fella.
As the Bulldog joked when Merv once miraculously reappeared: "G'day, I'm Gavin. What's your name?"
You see, Merv has a mobile and it rings - a lot. Merv has mates, Merv has a legion of fans and Merv has other corporate commitments involving free beer and food that meant he was far from ours alone when in Darwin.
Not that you necessarily want Merv sitting next to you all the time, anyway. When he is there you spend a lot of time getting out of the way of people who want a photo or to say G'day. Otherwise you're passing him caps, shirts, bats and programs to be autographed.
The first day's play ended with Bangladesh all out for 97 and Australia 2-121 in reply.
Merv managed to join us for the journey home and the quiz question of the day was: How many grounds around the world have hosted Test cricket? (Answer: 90 including the recent addition of Cairns and Darwin).
He also invited everyone up to his room for a few beers. The one printable Merv joke I can remember from that gathering is: "What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics' Association."
Merv has been going to the Territory since 1985 for pleasure and business and, sure enough, his mobile rang during our social get-together with an invitation from a mate to go to a strip competition at a local nightclub.
He didn't make it to dinner with us at the nearby Cullen Bay marina.
The next morning Merv lasted about half an hour seated with us before taking up position near the bar, surrounded by fans, mates and hangers-on. He was, in reality, our tour group's 12th man, making colourful but very much cameo appearances.
The real captain of our team was Anthony, a likeable and capable Melbourne accountant who moonlights as an AST staffer. He was our constant companion, ensuring everything ran smoothly.
Nobody seemed to mind Merv's frequent absences. Everybody loved basking in his reflected glory when he was there, and seemed to accept that larrikins don't clock on nine to five.
"I'm a big fan," said Joan, 62, from Kurrajong. "I think he's wonderful."
Steve Waugh scored a century and Australia made 407 before Bangladesh were sent back in to bat. At stumps they were a stoic 1-70. Merv didn't make it to the bus for the trip home.
He had, however, promised to cook us all a barbecue that night and, true to his word, was found wielding the tongs amid plumes of smoke beside the pool.
"If you don't like your steaks well done you aren't going to like them," he warned, and again he was true to his word.
Tony told me that on the South African tour Merv had managed to get Andy Bichel and Darren Lehmann along to a barbie. In Darwin, we dined and drank with some of Merv's colourful local mates such as Patty, the beer company rep, and Squiz, his barramundi-fishing partner in crime.
Merv was hung over on the bus next morning as we headed for Marrara and what we knew would be our third and last day at the cricket.
The poor bugger's mobile, however, rang as incessantly as ever. One call was from a mate telling Merv a horse he has shares in was racing that day at Echuca at 50-1.
"Put $10 on it each way for me, mate," Merv said, before making a beeline for egg and bacon rolls at Marrara.
Once again we saw very little of Merv. Bangladesh were bowled out for 178, losing yet again by more than an innings, but they put up a good fight and it was history-making.
For my fellow travellers the highlight of the day was the amount of time the Australian players spent on the boundary line after the match signing autographs and posing for pictures - something you rarely see at the SCG. Karen and her camera nearly melted as Brett Lee cheerfully did his bit.
There was no Merv on the bus home or at the casino that night, where we all went for a cheap feed and a flutter.
Tony told me over dinner that in South Africa the group saw a lot more of the big fella. "I know he's got a lot of distractions here," he said.
On what should have been day four of the Test, Merv arranged for us all to go to one of his favourite Darwin attractions, Crocodylus Park, although we had to pay our own way.
You can watch crocs feed and learn about Whiteback, the 5.9-metre killer crocodile of Sarawak that took 13 people before being killed itself in 1992.
After the croc farm a few of us took up the offer of a round of golf. This time I didn't have to get out the wallet - even the balls, tees and club hire were free. Merv knew the manager and all it cost him was a couple of autographed hats.
Merv plays off a handicap of 26 and can tonk a ball a long way but, ever the competitor, he treated every hole like a Test match. In between holes we travelled by buggy. Merv plays golf by the same code our international cricketers adopt when batting: "Australians don't walk."
I have played very little
golf, so copped a 36 handicap and the inevitable question from Merv: "Does your mother play?"
For several days Merv had been giving big wraps to the Magic Wok, which does an all-you-can-eat buffet where you select your own exotic meats such as emu and crocodile for the chef to stir-fry in tasty sauces. We all went along and had a great feed, but Merv made his excuses - another corporate function was calling him that evening.
Merv's other great suggestion had been a fishing trip. The big fella loves fishing in the Top End and keeps the picture of the 18kg barramundi he once caught stored on his mobile phone.
On what should have been day five of the Test, a bunch of us handed over $150 each for an eight-hour odyssey.
Anyone familiar with the fishing trip in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest would be able to picture the scene at the dock that sunny afternoon. On board were Squiz and a bunch of blokes whose facial hair and waist sizes looked eerily like Merv's.
Enough beer and ice were loaded on board to raise safety issues.
And then a strange apparition went trotting down the gangplank in thigh-high leather boots, painfully short skirt, bikini top and a baseball cap bearing the words "sex goddess".
Tubby - that was one of the names she used - told me she was a topless waitress in a Darwin nightclub. She was a friendly young lady and very excited about going fishing, though I never saw her thread any bait onto a hook.
Why was she on board? "It's not what you know it's who you know, you know?" was her cryptic answer.
But there was nothing
cryptic about Tubby when two Australian navy ships steamed past. She decided to get it all off for the astonished crews of HMAS Dubbo and Geraldton, earning some generous naval salutes.
The fishing itself was pretty ordinary, although Anthony landed a couple that gave us a feed.
As the spectacular tropical sun dropped like a fiery stone and the drinking continued, Merv started up an ominous chant to the tune of He's Got The Whole World In His Hands: "We're going nude fishing in the dark, we're going nude fishing in the dark!"
Mercifully we all kept our kit on, but the after-dark entertainment was - literally - explosive. It turned out some of our fellow fishermen love nothing more than ripping a small hole in an empty tinnie, ramming in a couple of crackers, igniting it then hurling it overboard in the pitch dark. I can't tell you how much fun it was when the first one exploded, beside my ear, without warning.
Next morning meant a hungover start for Kakadu. Our two-day trip included visits to the Aboriginal art sites of Ubirr Rock and Nourlangie and the beautiful Yellow Water cruise.
Nobody ever seemed quite as excited by World Heritage splendour as they were by a Brett Lee photograph opportunity, but everyone assured me they enjoyed it very much.
Despite all his time in the Territory, it was Merv's first visit to Kakadu. When it came to summing it up, the big fella drew inspiration from "the greatest movie ever", The Castle, and repeated more
than once Darryl Kerrigan's now legendary line, "How's
the serenity!"
Back in Darwin, I asked my room-mates - Gareth, 34, from Moama on the Murray River and John, 60, from Perth - to rate the holiday.
Gareth works as a stockman at an abattoir and after the cricket tour he was staying in town to go on another seven-day organised tour (cost $2060) with Phar Lap Racing Tours, taking in the Darwin Cup racing carnival. He had done that tour once before.
To save up for both trips this year Gareth spent nine months rising before dawn on weekends milking cows; he plans to do the same again to save for the 2005 Ashes tour to England.
"I know it seems expensive, but I reckon it's worth it for a bloke like me," said Gareth. He is single and none of his mates could afford to go.
Gareth loved the cricket, the heat, always having someone to have a beer with and the fact that things were organised. "I wouldn't have gone on that fishing trip if I had come here on my own."
John, a retired firefighter and also single, said the Merv
factor had "tipped the balance" when it came to booking the trip. "I thought, yeah, Merv's a bit of fun, that should be fun," he said.
As we said our goodbyes, it was clear John hadn't been disappointed. "It was tops, mate," he said, pumping Merv's hand. "Had a great time."
HOW TO JOIN THE MERV SQUAD
AST plans to offer another Top End Tour next year, when Australia play a Test against Sri Lanka in Darwin, starting on July 1.
But Merv Hughes's next big gig will be leading a cricket tour to Sri Lanka in March next year. Australia will play three Tests and five one-day internationals against the Sri Lankans.
AST is offering a tour that takes in the first and second Tests in Galle and Kandy, a second tour that takes in the second Test in Kandy and third Test in Colombo and a combined tour that will let true cricket fans see all three Tests.
The price of the first tour is $6450 a person, twin-share. The single supplement is $1550 and if you make your own way to Sri Lanka the land-only price is $5350.
The price for the second tour is $6350 a person, twin-share, and the combined tour $7450.
For that you will not only get the services of Merv, other AST staff and Sri Lankan guides throughout the tour, but return economy air fares with Singapore Airlines, "excellent" tickets to the cricket, "first-class" hotel accommodation, buffet breakfast daily, lunch packs for each day of the cricket, fully inclusive functions and parties, transfers and sightseeing (Nuwara Eliya in the hill country, Pinnewala elephant orphanage and the rock fortress at Sigiriya are on the itinerary), tour uniform of cap and polo shirts, hotel porterage and a Lonely Planet guide book.
Australian Sports Tours, 1800 026 668 and www.astsports.com.au
The Fanatics, 9235 3655 and www.thefanatics.com
Waving the Flag, www.wavingtheflag.com
Gullivers Sports Travel, (07) 3511 6466, www.gulliverssportstravel .com.au
Phar Lap Travel, 1800 636 631, www.pharlaptravel.com.au
- DL
© 2003 Sydney Morning Herald
